We're all great, theres no beef.

Edinburgh etc

2006-08-19T09:42:00.000-07:00

Basically, edinburgh was amazing. I plan to write all about it in my new diary which i bought at the craft festival thing. Thought i could handle writing stuff and knowing people are reading it, but im finding it a little weird, like im watching what i say. So going to go back to paper, and besides, need a reason to have bought that book ;)

Ireland, lost prophets and beyond

2006-07-25T14:16:00.000-07:00

Lost prophets was awesome. That was last thursday, i think....

Saw more than i did at download cos i didnt jump around as much - was too hot for that and flip flops werent the best footwear - have quite an impressive bruide from that. Tho i did get a lot closer to the front than i did at download, and the new album is ace. Was glad they played a lot of older songs too though.

Was the first gig i've seen of a band i really like in ages. Though hundred reasons etc were good, i wouldnt very often listen to them, but lost prophets are ace :)

Kev just told me he got a huge promotion!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY kevin!!!!!!! :)

Ireland....

Best time i've had in absolutely ages!

Jack and i were sooooooo close to missing our flight. Train was majorly delayed, we jumped a taxi after sprinting through airport - 15 minutes till check in closed, 20 minute taxi journey. Luckily superman was there to save the day

Stag party held check in up for a few minutes and we got through! Got to dublin n met up with susan, who told us the next bus to Carlow - where zoe lives, was at like, 4.30. So we went to the pub for a couple hours. Turns out she checked the sunday timetable and the bus was actually at 4, so we were stuck in the pub till 6.30. Shame....
This meant jack drank several pints and was bursting for the loo about 30 mins into a 90min bus journey. He was soooo close to using an empty bottle, when we finally got there he went sprinting off into a bush. Susan very nearly pissed herself laughing cos she wasnt much better off (i had been sensible and gone right before we got on the bus). However susan managed to hold it in past mcdonalds till we got to the next pub. Well done :)
We were all quite knackered quite early that night....

SO next morning all were up quite early ish, went shopping and got some lunch - paid for by zoe, which was ace. :) Then went back and started on the vodka. Was about 2pm. Drank most of a bottle before going out, then went to her local which was deserted. The barman knew zoes drink and had ours "four vodka and lemonade, no ice in one" after round 1. We played some pool and drank some drinks. Then played some music and drank some more drinks. A few of zoes mates turned up, drank some more drinks. Then it turns into a bit of a blur of stroking, purring, ice cubes, handcuffs, bog chat, scary swedish(?) people, dancing, photos, burgers, cigarettes and alcohol.

It was SUCH a good night.

And none of us even got hungover in the tiniest bit! Though apparently zoe got molested by her swedish "friend" who wouldnt leave her alone. I was passed out by that point though.

2006-06-21T12:04:00.000-07:00

hmm

2006-06-19T10:49:00.000-07:00

Well, the world of warcraft servers are down, which sucks. Though gives me a chance to update this. Past couple of weeks i've fallen into a nice little routine, get home from work, play wow, jack comes over every 2nd night or so to watch big bro n have a shower, then go bed. Got to lvl 31 in WoW at the moment, im really enjoying grouping up to kill big baddies and do instances and stuff that i never did before in case i pissed chris off by typing. Tis muchos fun :)

Work is pretty good at the moment too, i've started in the security dept and its so much more interesting than finance. Today i got to test one of the drug dogs, charlie, by putting heroin in my shoe and pretending to be a visitor to see if he'd smell me. He did, but he also sat on lynn (thats what they do, just sit in front of anyone they smell with drugs) cos he's so used to her testing him. Poor wee soul got a bit of a telling off, i felt really sorry for him. So i got to give him lots of attention for sitting on me :) Its really interesting getting to do all the reports on the naughty stuff the prisoners get up to, and everyone in the office is a right laugh. Lynn's been sucking up to me all day today cos she felt guilty for calling me a name this morning. Mike was taking me upstairs (still no keys) and as we were walking along the corridor he yelled "WHERES MY TEA?" and lynn shouted back "GET YOUR OWN TEA GITFACE" so i pretended to be offended and she made me lots of tea :) Linda reckons there'll be a full time permanant job opening up somewhere in the prison, which would be good, i dont think she'd know bout it either unless it was vaguely security related, so fingers crossed. :)

Got my appointment at the breat clinic tomorrow, cant remember if i wrote about that already, but got the breast cancer gene from mum, so going to meet the people at the clinic so if i have any worries i know who to go to. Not really bothered at the moment, but going along anyway, save doing it another day. Caused some probs when i went to give blood the other day though, even though my genetics consultant had told me it wouldnt, they had to ask 3 nurses who had to call their office to see if it was ok to take my blood. Which it was, which was good cos it meant i got a kit kat after :)

I've had a bit of a change in style, bought myself a couple skirts and some new tops, its toooo hot for jeans, and not allowed cut off jean short things at work (though im working on it). Also bought myself a mascara. No idea why, just thought i might try something new. Its blue, quite funky tho dont think i could be bothered very often. Also, cut my hair. It was all dead ends so i sorta tidied it up, and im quite impressed i managed a fairly straight line. Also keeps me a little cooler.

Going over to ireland next month to see zoe and susan and jack's gonna come too. Should be really good fun, cannot wait. :) And then at the end of september mum has a check up with her consultant in glasgow and they're staying in lake district for that week, so im going to get a lift as far as bristol with them, then fly to glasgow for the disturbed gig, stay in glasgow for a couple nights, in edinburgh most of the time, see kat who i miss millions and everyone else there too :) then back to glasgow for the same bay mum has check up, and back to lake district with them then home. :) Should be awesome. Not sure if chris is planning still coming to disturbed or not, but if he doesnt kat will be made up. Told her i had tickets n she said "GIMME!!!!!!" lol :)

Jack came over friday night to watch big bro, he'd had some beer before we started n was on a proper mission, so i had a couple breezers n stuff, then we had 4 bottles of wine. God it was fun, not been so drunk in ages, everything seemed hilarious - including hacking into ross's email and laughing at his "wish you were here" emails from kim and how miserable she seems now. Serves her bloody right i say. :) Also just really good to talk to jack properly again. We both admitted to feeling more than a little awkward round each other since the night chris got upset at hole in the wall, like we've had to check ourselves every time we go to hug or anything. Was nice not to have to do that and get back to how we should be. Tho i got quite a telling off from him for being a chameleon. Apparently i always change myself to please who im going out with, i didnt think i had with chris, but i guess i did. So im not allowed to ever do that again. :) Next time, whoever im with wont make me feel like i need to change anything. :)

Not much else to say really, its all great, theres no beeef :)

101 questions nicked from kev's blog. Cos im bored.

2006-06-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

1. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Drinking with jack, fell on a pint glass, got a lovely long scar on my thumb.

2. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Lots of photos of my friends and a film tile thing from pirates of the carribean

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK LIKE?
blue and boring

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
metaly rocky stuff. Faves are distrubed, drowning pool etc

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
nope!

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
for the bloody football to be over

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Kat, finlay, zoe, dave, susan, ash, gary, bryan, brian, mark, debbie, vix. Mainly.

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION/S?
not really a possessions kinda person.

9. WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN?
aquarious

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
YES!

11. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
no

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Chris

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOGNE / PERFUME?
Lynx on guys, impulse for me

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Dark hair, eyes i dont mind as long as they're nice :)

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
I dont, marriage is silly

16. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Tea please

17. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
Chicken, green peppers n red onions

18. IF YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
ummmm, not hungry. Another yoghurt maybe?

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU MADE MAD?
Mum or chris.

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE EVER GAVE YOU?
Other than christmas pressies n stuff it was a charm bracelet.

22. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY?
Most people :)

23. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
nope

24. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
ummmm, punkyfish probably.

25. WHAT'S YOUR DREAM CAR?
a red one

26. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
Yes, rosie

27. WHAT KIND IS IT?
a boxer

28. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
not deliberately

29. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU?
by understanding them

30. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
a number from one to a hundred

31. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
Brunettes

32. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL OFTEN?
Home probably.

33. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST?
Fottball!

34. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Been in it twice. :)

35. YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Bacardi breeezers, reef, chocolate and lasagne!

37. FIRST JOB?
paper round

39. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED OUT THIS?
chatting to kev n kat

40. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY WHAT WOULD IT BE?
lyposuction to be skinny

41. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
kev n kat gone quiet

42. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
eyes or boobs

43. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL BECAME ILLEGAL?
stop drinking. Eat more chocolate and complain a bit.

44. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
a trip to see my friends

45. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT?
none at the mo

46. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
no

47. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
yes

48. WHAT DID YOU DO THIS MORNING?
tidied up the empty bottles from last night

49. WHAT DID YOU LAST EAT?
a yoghurt. its too hot for real food.

50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
nope, its a mess!

51. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
chicken

52. ANY BAD HABITS?
biting my nails n spending too long playing World of warcraft

54. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Dunno, maybe. :)

55. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
Nope, but i've told secrets that i didnt know were secrets.

56. DO LOOKS MATTER?
Unfortunately they probably do, makes a nice first impression to see a nice smile n friendly eyes.

57. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
Dont get angry very often, when i do i tend to cry and growl a bit

58. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
Edinburgh

59. WHAT IS YOUR PERFECT DATE?
night at the pub

60. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
my cars :)

61. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
128

62. WHAT IS YOUR AIM SCREEN NAME?
dont have it

63. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
yes

64. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT?
hell yes! :)

65. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
someone that knows how to have fun and understand me

66. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
moo, moojenny

70. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
depends what mood im in. cookie dough is always pretty high up tho

72. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE COLOR(S)?
pink, blue, red. Lots, all except orange.

73. WHO/WHAT DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW?
Kat and finlay and the edinburgh crowd, zoe ash suan n dave, and gary n the other glasgow folk.

74. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE?
4

75. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Why not?

76. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Lost prophets

77. LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Very sweet tea :)

78. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Dave, which was cool, havent heard from him in forever!

79. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Eyes, smile n voice.

80. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG?
I dont often worry bout song lyrics. Probably things by the eels.

81. FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
football! (sorry, soccer)

82. FAVORITE DRINK(S)?
Tea, oasis, bacardi breezers n reefs.

83. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN?
no idea.

84. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SPORT?
Snowboarding

85. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Brown

86. EYE COLOR?
Blue

87. HEIGHT?
5'7

88. SIBLINGS?
Wee brother iain

89. FAVORITE MONTH?
February, my birthday, jacks birthdya n a good tiem to snoboard

90. YOU LIKE SUSHI?
some of it :)

91. LAST THING YOU WATCHED
Big brother's little brother, im so sadly addicted.

92. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Christmas. :)

93. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
Probably, the closest i've ever got to trying was giving finlay my goneboarding user name the day we met and asking him to get in touch.

94. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter

95. KISSES OR HUGS?
hugs

96. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STAND?
not into one night stands, pretty off relationships too at the mo, so i'll say friendships :)

97. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
a yellow skirt which apparently makes me look like snow white

98. WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Most people, people hardly ever read this, if they do at all!

99. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
The fiery cross by dianan galbaldon. Its awesome. Whole series is amazing!

100. ANYONE IN LOVE WITH YOU?
unfortunately chris still says he is

101. MY WORST FEAR?
Spiders. ICK!

i hate football

2006-06-10T17:10:00.000-07:00

i hate it

i hate how much money gets thrown away on it

i hate how it makes people act like its ok that theres so much violence surrounding it because "its only a few people and its the same everywhere else, its not just england"

i hate how its apparently the only thing england can agree on

i hate how people think talking about 22 men kicking a ball can be interesting

i hate how its treated as more of a religion than actual religion is! And it has exactly the same problems as religion, violence, problems between countries, teams etc.

i hate how drunk men think singing football songs at the top of their voices in the middle of the night is good.

i hate how people stick up for it like its this really good thing. If they like football so much, they should go out and play it, not on a tv or a games console, but with some friends or a club with a ball outside (or inside, whatever). But half the people you see "supporting" england are the fat chavs in their cars with england flags all over the place.

it just winds me up how big a deal football is, especially in england.

Chris and i didnt get on very well tonight. He kept going on about how he didnt care about my hatred because its the only good thing england have or something. I just disagree with him about it and i think he was pissed off at me for not liking football. I think cos i tried to show an interest in the rules n stuff while we were together maybe i gave him the wrong idea. I have no desire at all to know how well or badly england played today, or any other day, though i know i will find out, i want to avoid football as much as possible, because it makes me angry. Ju7st to clear that up. Its not chris making me angry, its the WHOLE football thing. its not just england, its the WHOLE football thing.

i hate it.

Judge me

2006-06-06T10:53:00.000-07:00

http://kevan.org/johari?name=moojenny

if u want :)

judge me

2006-06-06T10:46:00.000-07:00

judge me!

http://kevan.org/johari?name=moojenny

Then this guy! hahahahaha

http://www.shoutwire.com/viewstory/14598/Best_Looking_for_a_Job_Ad_Ever

bb is ridiculous

2006-06-03T02:02:00.000-07:00

http://community.channel4.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/8850040854/m/3770079584

Sooooo put off bb. If they fake texts like that, then how do we know it really was like 96% against sezer? They probably just make it all up to make tv. Gah.

I'll probably still watch it but definitely never voting again.

meh

2006-06-02T15:17:00.000-07:00

Dont know why im writing this.

The only one that'll probably read it will be chris, and i dont know what to say really....

well, if there was ever a sentence that didnt make sense i guess that was it!

On the offchance that theres anyone else reading this, and mainly for the need to get stuff of my chest i'll continue.

Firstly, me and chris split up. I didnt really see it coming, it sort of happened over a few days, i started getting really wound up by the need for attentiona and the sulking if he didnt get it, which made me pay him less attention, he sulked more, until i asked for a couple days apart. That friday i went out with jack and ben and had one of the best nights i've had in ages.

i like being drunk.

I dont want to do it every night, not even every week, but i like it. And i've been put off it since the night we went out AGES ago because of the HORRIBLE scene it caused, decided it wasnt worth it. But that was the last night i felt like i had friends, even tho we saw jack occasionally, he felt like he couldnt be himself round us, in case it caused another scene, felt like he couldnt hug me and stuff, and i felt like he couldnt either, cos even if it didnt cause a scene it would certainly cause sulks and moods. Again, not worth it.

I miss my friends back home SOOOO goddamn much, it just makes it even more painful that i really only have jack down here. So anyway, going out with jack and ben reminded me how fun it could be to just have a proper laugh, get drunk, fall over, laugh at jack and ben being drunk and fooling around. It was great. And just the sort of thing chris has been looking down his nose at since ... well, since im not sure. He says he doesnt want to and that that will change, but i'll just have to wait and see.

So somewhere that weekend i decided i was going to have more fun, if chris sulked about it, so be it, and i was going to forget about the arguments we'd had and not be drawn into any more. Sunday night. Chris comes over. We're getting on fine at first, and im thinking "yup, great, we can move on, get past it, blah blah blah.". We go to bed. And somehow another argument starts. Right now, i cant even remember what about, something about me not making enough effort, which is probably fair enough, i probably wasnt. Next morning, i have a day off cos the prison (yup, thats where i work now) hasnt got enough work for me. Chris calls in sick. Probably genuinely was, but i saw it as a way of attention seeking. For which i apologise. Anyway, i was sitting having a bowl of cereal, and thinking. Came to a few conclusions.

The ONLY way i could see to salvage any kind of relationship other than bitternesss, anger, resentment, on both our parts, was to end it. That way we might have a friendship at least.

I think that although relathionships require compromise, it shouldnt be that much hard work, you shouldnt have to try and force happiness, not when it can be found so easily and simply like when we started going out or when you have a night out with friends, or when you play a good game, watch a good film.

I think that if love is like what our last couple months were like, or what it sounds like most of chris and helen's relationship was like, then it sucks. I've cried more in the past couple months than in 6 years of various relationships, and all because of silly little things.

I realised that i love chris. I wanted so badly to make it work i was sacrificing stuff without even realising it! I wasnt being myself, because i wanted him to love me back, and it seemed like he did. Not only was i not going out, and not being myself with my friends (well, friend really) but i was doing things that just are not me. I was acting all jealous of helen, saying mean things about her and stuff. I mean, what the hell?! I have no reason to be jealous of her, none at all! I know when i started, it was when chris started being jealous of mark n gary etc - boys from scotland, then apologising for it, i started doing it back! Why? To make him feel like it was ok? To make him feel bad? I dont know, but it wasnt me. All i wanted was to have a laugh, have a good friend, and be happy. Like we were before it all started to crumble.

So anyway, many things in my head telling me to end it, so i did. After a bit of name calling and stuff (probably all well deserved, coward etc) (well, all except saying i was only with him for free stuff, which was just crap, everyone knows i hate having money spent on me) ummm, after that he left. Brought my stuff back. Next day called and texted all day till i spoke to him in the evening. Which went better than i thought i guess.

Saw him the friday after, went to play pool with him n jack, then we went to his and rob and ryan came round. It was going great, (although i ate waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much) we played games, we drank, watched stupid things on the pc and stuff. Though there was a couple potentially moody moments, one where he sat on the stairs looking glum and another where he went outside for ages, till rob went out n brought him in. Then he started saying it was nice outside and would i go with him. Which i didnt. Then i asked jack if we could go soon, and he very kindly obliged, which i felt very guilty for cos he drank lots of water very quickly and it made him feel quite ill. Would have been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too weird to stay.

MY foot started hurting that night, its REALLY sore to put weight on the heel, and it hurts when i squeeze the sides. I blamed my shoes so i went and got new ones, and a skirt for work. :)

Back to topic. Jack and i walked back, and jack filled me in a bit. He'd seen chris on monday, and said he seemed happier on monday than friday, i seem to make him moody. Being around me apparently makes him miserable. So anyway.

Saturday, go round to jacks to help him paint so he can sell his house and get a nice new one. Chris goes too. Jack gets very into sanding the bathroom walls and me and chris are left painting bedroom ceiling. Chris cracks a few jokes about my vest top, splash some paint, its awkward, but not bad. Then he asks if i still love him. I dont want to answer, because i knew whatever i said would be the wrong answer, but he pressed it so i told him i do. I didnt dump him cos i dont love him, i ended it cos we were making each other miserable! He asked if we have a future, i said maybe, no promises.

Now im trying to avoid having serious conversations, which means trying to stick in a group, and not get left just the two of us, because even on warcraft, he wants to know what else i want other than time, and i cant explain it.

The idea of having a life without him makes me cry instantly. Right now im seeing the same person i saw when we met, that wants a good social life but loves his girlfriend. But i know he knows thats what i want. So i dont know if its real. I thought it was really him last time, but it all changed. I changed too. Its so weird, what did we do to each other to make us argue and bitch and moan and cry all the time?! I want to be me, and i want him to be the kinda person i first knew, but i dont know how to believe thats how it'll stay.

I think we jumped into it last time, we met on like, april 28th or something and we were together less than a month later. Somewhere in between he ended a 5 year engagement. So messed up.

Right now, i want him as a friend, but i think it needs to start REALLY slowly, no deep and meaningfuls yet. IF i find myself trusting he's who he seems to be, IF i see the sort of guy i want to be with and want to be myself with, then i'd be happy for it to go back to a proper relationship, but i dont know if that will happen. Maybe we'll only be able to be friends. God knows, only time will tell.

One of the things that worries me is careers. I want to be a midwife. Everyone knows it, been trying to work towards that goal since like, early 2003. Maybe even late 2002. And chris seemed really freaked out at the idea that i'd have to do some nights. Kinda like he saw it as a choice between career or him, and basically, i want both. Wanted both. I dont know. I dont want to feel guilty for spending a weekend writitng an essay, or a few days in plymouth on a placement. And i dont want to stop him achieving his only ambition either, cos i think he'd really resent me for that. He wants to go to japan, wouldnt go before cos helen didnt want to, i didnt want to but said i would if he went. Partly cos i'd miss him like hell, and partly cos i'd feel guilty if i didnt cos i know he would have followed me to the other side of the world. But just like im sure the idea of delivering babies doesnt appeal to him in the slightest, japan doesnt appeal to me. At least, spending a year there teaching doesnt. We are different people. And if we're going to make a real, long term future we have to be those people. We have to do what we want to do, yes, we wont spend all our time together, and yes that means we might miss each other, but surely thats a lot better than spending all our time together and being angry all the time.
I want him to go to japan. I think it would be an amazing experience for him, and i think if he doesnt do it he'll regret it forever. If we're meant to be then we'll have forever, but the chance to do this is only open for a few years. It might help him find something he really wants to do in life, which i reckon would make him a lot happier, and if he started doing something he wanted to do, and felt good at and happy doing, it would boost his confidence in ways i apparently couldnt.

BLOODY HELL! 2000 words, noones gonna read that much. :) Sorry, chris, if you have. Just had to get it all off my chest, write it down and make sense of it. Guess i could have used my paper diary. Thought about it, but i prefer this. Easier to scrub our weird sentances and certainyl easier to read back later. My writing in paper diary is so bad! Guess if i want to keep secrets thats the place to do it. But none of this is a secret, its just trying to sort my head out.

Although now i have a headache. Night..

P.S. Hooked on big brother, gutted that sezer left, i liked his arrogance, reminded me of elric, and it was hilarious to watch all the fights he caused. Proper full on arguments, now its gonna be all weepy teary crappy fights. :-/ Was funny watching big brothers big mouth after though, they put up texts people had apparently sent in, but they were all going on about how sorry they were richard had left! Idiots!

2006-02-21T14:14:00.001-08:00

jetlagged and ill chris looking dazed in gondola

2006-02-21T14:14:00.000-08:00

chris in gondola

2006-02-21T14:13:00.000-08:00

me, and my board :)

2006-02-21T14:12:00.000-08:00

sugar and spice, and all things nice. Like completely dead slopes. Thats me.

2006-02-21T14:11:00.000-08:00

snow was deeper than i realised...

2006-02-21T14:10:00.000-08:00

me boarding. really fast. Honest...

2006-02-21T14:09:00.002-08:00

pretty view

2006-02-21T14:09:00.001-08:00

in the clouds looking at the lake :)

2006-02-21T14:09:00.000-08:00

snowy trees

2006-02-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

View from gondola

2006-02-21T14:06:00.000-08:00

San Fran

2006-02-21T14:05:00.000-08:00

California stateline, 2 mins from our hotel in nevada

not so busy

2006-02-21T13:30:00.000-08:00

Well, definitely not so busy now. We went away to tahoe on jan 28th, Chris's birthday. Flight was pretty bad, REALLY hot, and a bit bumpy. Chris caught some kinda bug on the plane too, the poor guy was sick as soon as we stood up to get off the damn thing! Things looked up from there though, got our car upgraded to a lovely big suv, which was just as well cos what should have been about an hour away the roads were closed to any car which wasnt carrying snow chains or 4 wheel drive. Hotel was pretty sweet, had a decent restaurant, although all the portions were way too big, felt like such a waste, and a starbucks. My question though - where can you buy a cup of tea?!?!? Luckily i'd thought about this and we'd taken tea bags with us, and bought hot water from starbucks. :)

The first day was chris and robs first day on snow, so was a bit slow, chris really impressed me with how well he did though, was turning on his first run and holding a straight line for a lot longer than i ever dared to till i'd been on snow for about a week! And he was ill!
Day 2 we went to sierra, which i hadnt enjoyed that much last year, but this year we explored the other side to the one i'd already seen. Found a great run called Sugar and Spice, was wide and empty and well groomed, although a bit flat in places, which meant rob had to walk over them, which was a shame. According to the guy in the shop where we stored our boards its the best beginner run in the area, though i found it fun too, who wouldnt like 3 1/2 miles all to themselves pretty much? :)
Days all sorta blended into each other a bit after that, wish i'd written stuff down as it happened. We went to reno one day, bought chris an american ps2 and some awesome looking games which arent out over here (not yet, some not ever), the best of which seem to be Guitar Hero, Dragon Quest VIII and Radiata stories. He also got a gameboy game, but was the wrong one when we got back so we went back another day. Rob got another 360, apparently just in case some games take ages to come out over here. It didnt snow a lot after that which was disappointing cos by like, day 3 or 4 chris was following me through the trees no problem, but a few days after there was a horrible icy crust on top of the off piste stuff. Trails were still really well groomed though, they got a bit hard in places, but generally conditions were ace. Rob didnt come out the last few days, so it was just me and chris, and we were pretty well matched for speed. Times chris slowed down a bit i'd go switch, which was going pretty well till i fell and twisted my knee quite badly. But that was on 2nd last day so it didnt make me miss too much boarding. :)
About halfway through the hotel had a big powercut, so they started sending guests over to another hotel for the rest of their stay, since it was getting dark and they didnt know when the power would be back. We went for dinner and checked back after, and the power in the front block had come on, so we got a room their in addition to our room in the front block, which meant 2 rooms! Meaning me and chris had more private time without having to kick rob out, and we got sleep without having to wake rob up every half hour to stop him snoring! Definite win :)

On the down side, i got back and DEFRA (where i'd "worked" for 3 weeks) had got busy and had to replace me, and the bank had blocked my account cos i accidentally went into overdraft for a 2nd time. So i have no job and no money. But never mind. Made me look at jobs again, hoping to get one called a clerical coder, not sure it'll be that interesting, but it pays well, and would help with midwifery cos they make you do an anatomy/medical terminology exam. Not sure if i'll get it, but Brook st are trying to get me an admin job at the prison, city centre, pays well, and is weekday flexi time

Hmm

Not much more to report, things going great between me and chris, still cant seem to get enough of each other and getting bored of each other is unfathomable. :) Will put up a couple pics from holiday, though chris fell on his camera a couple days in so will have to wait till i can afford to get my disposable cam's developed to put up more pics. :)

buuuuuuuuuusy

2005-12-14T01:08:00.000-08:00

Its busy here today. At least it has been. Its suddenly gone weirdly quiet. So i thought i'd update this. This blog is certainly going in the same way as my diaries. Used constantly for a few months then ignored completely.

So... new stuff

Working at Client Logic selling Bose http://www.bose.co.uk stuff, and working on commission, which is pretty cool since most people call up now and go "i want to order a....." Its not a great job but its better than virgin, and if it wasnt for crappy hours i'd probably stay, but all i want is 9-5 mon to fri so i can see chris in evenings n weekends.

And jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez that was a busy patch. So thirsty.....

Anyway...

Holiday is all paid for, just need insurance and car hire, but that shouldnt be a prob at all. We're definitely going!!!!! :)
Damn, too busy for this... Ugh...

Snow n stuff

2005-10-02T03:45:00.000-07:00

Well, we booked a holiday! Figured we might as well just go n do it, so we did. Tahoe here we come (again, yay!!!!). We leave on the 28th of Jan, which is Chris's bday, and are still there on the 8th of feb, my bday. :) SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. We got it fairly cheap in the end cos we're all sharing a room in the casino hotel, but rob seems quite happy to go gamble any time me n chris want private time. Lol.
Also going boarding on monday, though chris is still in a cast for another few days so he'll just be there for moral support. :)

Virgin is getting better, i've taken it upon myself to just do the games stuff, that way they wont be able to choose anyone else to be games specialist, and the new sale has just gone on so theres been quite a lot to do over the last week or so, and days go lots faster when im busy. Plus Ruth has started, and been doing lots of hours so its pretty good for a while. Plus we get 20% off the sale till 8th Oct, but i really have to try not spend. Cleared one of my loans, so that just leaves one 800 loan and the overdraft. But i'll think about that after holiday. I'm so bad with money, i know.....

Been playing World of Warcraft. It is just as good as everyone that plays it says it is, i can see why people get so hooked on it. I'm level 11 already, a gnome called Squigle, got pink hair. So cool. She's a warrior that skins and makes leather. Chris has been playing lots too, played with Helen for a few hours the other day while i was at work. I'm having a bit of a hard time with this, cant believe im jealous about it at all. If he wanted to be with helen, he would be, i know this. I think its more fear of the unknown, of them being really close n me being left on the outside. Like, saw her in tesco once n it was frankly just terrifying. I thought she was gonna rip my eyes out or something. I dont know why, neither of us said anything. I'd uch prefer it if in a situation like that i could just smile n say hi. I dont wanna be her best mate, but i dont want it to be horrible and awkward. Like soon, we're going to see A. Steve got me and chris on the guest list, and helen is going with ben. Similar situation to when we went to see hundred reasons, and seriously, the awkward atmosphere was HORRIBLE. Anyway, i want them to be friends, i really do, ust want it to be easier than this. Me n Chris had our first kinda fight the other day, over the stupidest thing. Neither of us have much money, but he bought me this cute model of Yuffie, from Final Fantasy 7. I love it, its gorgeous, but i wouldnt have paid a tenner for it. It cost 75 quid. So i asked him to take it back, but he wouldnt, and then he left (i was in work at the time). I spent the whole afternoon worrying that he thought i was horrible and ungrateful (cos i guess i was really). This was also the day he saw helen. I was so scared he was gonna leave me n go back to her, cos she let him spend money on her without making a fuss. He didnt. I was being stupid about the whole thing. chris says he'll keep the model, so problem solved i guess. Not really a huge problem anyway.

I'm really missing Kev, his blog mentioned that he felt let down by the fact i hant been on for ages. I feel really bad about it, whenever im on he doesnt seem to be, and i've never really been one for emails. So one sided. I know blogs are one sided too, maybe i take out all my one sided rambling on diary/blog. I emailed him anyway, but no reply or anything, so now im worried he's really mad at me. I really hope not. If ur reading this Kev, im sorrrrrrrrrrrryy :(

What else.... I'm bored, its sunday, chris is at work, mum n dad are on holiday, and iains moved out. Going to the pub later, but its only lunchtime. Kat might be coming to visit!!!! I'd LOVE it if she did, though i'd rather go see her, it'd cost about 200 quid for a few days.

I'm gonna go play grandia i think.... or guild wars... hmmmm

Cough cough splutter

2005-09-17T04:38:00.000-07:00

I feel grotty. Really really grotty. Have for a couple days, think its flu type thing, it sucks. But fingers crossed its going away now, just got an achey tummy from all the coughing i've been doing. So i had a couple extra days off from virgin. Man i'm sick of that place already! Its sooooooooooo dull, i have nothing to do. Least in game i had lots to do, theres just nothing in virgin. And the air conditioning is broken so its REALLY hot, and one of the guys i work with smells bad. Damn, what a complaining post.

So, whats new other than crap stuff? Well, things with chris are going pretty damn well, not even starting to get sick of each other and havent spent a night apart in three months! I havent been boarding for absolutely AGES!!! Last time chris n rob went i couldnt go cos there was a late meeting in virgin (which was boring and not worth missing boarding for) and then chris fractured his thumb and is now in a cast for another few weeks. I really want to get to mk soon and go on snow, theres a Goneboarding meet at the end of the month, but chris's cast wont be off by then so we'll probably try and get up mid - late oct instead. Least by then i wont be saving up for his xmas pressie! Yes, i know its only september, but i think about these things early. And chris wants an xbox 360. Already saved enough for the console, so that should be pretty much sorted. Now all i need to desperately save for is a holiday. Rob still really wants to do america, and i would LOVE to go back, but i get the feeling its gonna be a case of somehow getting hold of a credit card or loan or overdraft or something. Not even thinking bout student loans since i wont be earning enough to pay them back for another few years yet, i have £1100 of loans from natwest, and a £1700 overdraft with royal bank of scotland. £2800. I need about £1000 for a holiday i think, which is silly. I know it is, i shouldnt even be considering spending so much when i owe so much, but i cant help it, i wanna go back. Tahoe's been on the tv a couple times recently, and it makes me want to go back even more! Its odd, chris goes all quiet when i get excited about seeing tahoe on the tv n stuff. Hopefully once he's been there too he'll understand a bit better.

Anyway, my head feels spacey n heavy n weird so im gonna go lie down.

Later.

Doubt anyone can be assed

2005-08-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

But in case you can.... its possible to download the video of our holiday to tahoe in jan here . It'll prob take ages to download, but if u can be assed, enjoy. Not in it a whole lot, being a practiced camera evader, but i like it anyway.

:)

time goes fast

2005-08-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

Really really fast. Cant believe its been a month since i last wrote on this. Its crazy how quick time is going.
So whats new.... New job, at the moment i'm a full time sales assistant in virgin megastores, which is pretty cool. Only done a few days so far, but it seems pretty similar to game, though i now get 25% discount on cd's and dvd's too. :) It was ace how i managed to get the job, i got so sick of game, cos of how the deputy manager chris was, and cos i was working nearly every hour the shop was open, and seemed to be working my ass off while he did sod all, and jack, proper manager, was on holiday. So yeah, i quit game, and called my old boss, andy, to see if it was still ok to get a reference from him, and he said it was, but that his wife had a job coming up in virgin, alison, and i should go see her. I was a little reluctant at first cos i was pretty fed up of shop work, and crap pay, but he convinced me, so i went along and they gave me the job. The really cool thing is that they're keeping me in mind for the games specialist. Neil, the current one is leaving soon and noone else there knows anything about games at all, so they reckon as long as i do ok in interviews or whatever, then i'm the main candidate. Pays £6.15 an hour, cos i'd be basically the manager of the games section. Bit better than £4.90!!!

Anyway, what else... been with chris basically all my free time, its cool, cos i still dont feel like i want any space. Even if we're not doing stuff together, its just nice being in his company, like we'll read books, or i'll be playing the sims2 while he plays something else or plays his guitar or something. Its really cool, im very happy with how its going. Mum even approves, says he's charming!

Funny how i only tend to write stuff in my diary, or in this, when i'm bored n got nothing better to do. Just had other stuff to occupy me a lot recently. Which kinda sucks, since it means i havent been online much at all, which means i havent spoken to some people for ages. You know who you are, and i'm sorry. Thinking of you anyway :)

2005-07-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

water fight in the garden

2005-07-19T11:12:00.001-07:00

On the beach in exmouth

2005-07-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

chris playin geetar

2005-07-19T11:11:00.000-07:00

jack n chris lookin drunk

Soooooooooooooooooooo long

2005-07-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

Man, its been so long since i posted!

Kinda sucks cos i partly wanted to use this to keep track of cool memories n i've sorta lost track, all the days are sorta blending into a pile of games n films n other fun stuff....

Ok.... so main things that have happened...

I went to scotland a few weeks ago, well, wow, aaaaaaages ago actually. Went up on the 14th of june, was staying at kats. Was so weird, just after arriving in edinburgh i felt sooooooooooo homesick for it. Seeing all the places i used to go and driving through princes st and walking up the bridges and stuff, past the piemaker. All places that triggered really strong memories of being happy in scotland, and i was just desperate to see my kathy. And got to her flat and it was ace to see her and catch up with her a bit. She introduced me to guild wars too. Bad kat :) The next day was system of a down in glasgow so kat had the day off. We met up with deb n got the bus over, and met stewart n his gf n headed out to the SECC. Met mark n duncan n their mates there, n a few of kat n debs work pals. Was odd seeing mark again, kinda hard to believe anything happened between us, it was just like how we always were when we worked together, which is cool, tho he seemed kinda reluctant to see me the day after, i suspect he was worried about mentioning his new gf of something. But he's happy, and im happy, so its basically great. Anyway.... System were AMAZING. It was probably the most fun i've had in a mosh pit, cos i managed to stick with kat n deb the whole time. We were pretty close to the front for most of it. Got a bit hot tho so we went n got some water n stood back a bit for like, one song. Then sugar started really faintly and we just rushed through a bit shoving mosh pit, right through the middle and got right down the front again, was ace. I'll put pics up when im on my comp next (using chris's atm)
Anyway, next day i was gonna try n meet up with a bunch of people, maybe go to citrus or something, but i really couldnt be bothered. Was missing chris quite a lot, and it had really started to hit me how much i'd drifted away from edinburgh and my life there. So instead i went to a cocktail place with finlay and got more than fairly drunk. It was ace, i love the conversations we have, especially when drunk. Its like, proper philosophical, deep, meaning of life stuff. Told him aaaaall bout chris, n had lots of good talks. Went back to kats after n watched her play guild wars for a bit. Next day i was gonna head over to glasgow n catch up with folk there but bryan was away in milton keynes for greenday, brian was being uber sleaze, gary was in a mood cos i told him i have a bf now and dave n zoe were broke, as was i. Would've been nice to see folk like sheona and sarah but i miss folk like fin n kat a lot more, so spent the afternoon with fin in his office (its well swanky) and went to cinema with him n his uni mates to see Sin City, which is AMAZING. Then i went back to kats just in time to watch madagascar with her, also a brilliant film.
And that was my trip up north. Was great fun, and im glad i got to see a lot of kat n fin, but i really missed chris while i was away. It really just hit me that exeter is my home now, and for the first time i can ever remember im completely happy. Got no worries at all, life is basically GREAT.

Chris's blog mentions a fair bit of what we've done. Went to see hundred reasons last night, they were REALLY good, tho support bands werent great. It was odd, helen was their with her new guy, n at one point during second support we were pretty much right next to them, but neither chris or helen spoke to each other. It felt sooooo tense n weird to me, n im sure ben (helen's new guy) prob felt the same as me. But she looked happy, and im fairly sure chris was happy too. I guess it just wasnt the right time for them to speak to each other. I didnt die anyway, tho i also didnt risk going to the loo at the same time as helen, just in case. :)

Anyway, its basically going great, i've never wanted to be with someone this much... cant imagine that changing for a long time, theres no buts. Every other relationship i've had theres been the "i like him a lot BUT...." With chris theres no but. He's easily the coolest person i've ever met, noone has made me giggle as much, and do as much. Me, playing golf, its a totally new concept! its a great life, im sooooooooooo happy. His mum brought back a coffee table today "in case you two move in somewhere and its empty" :)

Thats about it for now i guess. Going out on thurs with rob n jack n andrew, n maybe boarding soon, n boardmasters 6th n 7th august, and maybe a trip to milton keynes.

Life rules.

attention

2005-07-04T14:12:00.000-07:00

I wonder if this says something about my attention span. I get really into something for a wee while, then get bored and drop it for a bit. My diary was always the same, and havent posted on this for nearly a month, tho before i was posting nearly every day.

I'll make time one night this week to do a proper update, just need to keep myself off guild wars.

My character is called Miss Elrica if anyone reading this plays....

Till then, hope alls well with everyone. Its all great with me, no beef at all. Miss talking to my cutie, i will soon, promise.

2005-06-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

Deep in conversation. :)

2005-06-10T16:36:00.000-07:00

me jack n rob. It was a happy night :)

2005-06-10T16:31:00.000-07:00

Chris in the gardens. Yummy.

my week

2005-06-10T13:01:00.000-07:00

So, havent posted all week cos i've been at chris's. :)

So, a quick round up.

Monday - stock take. Wasnt as bad as i thought, for me anyway, jack decided to make me do the stock room with him, which was ace. I was fully expecting me and chris to be split up anyway, but it sucked for chris (and boss chris) cos they were stuck in the tiny sweaty airless hot office sorting through piles and piles and piles of pre owned. Starting to think jack quite likes me, we're certainly getting on a lot better than we used to, or than i am/was with chris.
After stock take i went back to chris's, think we were meant to be watching buffy.... But it was ace anyway. :)

Tuesday was work, then chris's. We just sorta hugged n stuff for a couple hours, then got pizza and watched ace ventura. Jim Carey is soooooo funny. Like a glove! WAs basically the type of night i'd be happy to have every night. :)

Wednesday. Work, as usual. Then jack and rob came round to chris's. The night started fantastically. Is that even a word? It was braw anyway. I hadnt been feeling too great during the day so decided not to drink. Had a can of irn bru (god chris is so perfect for buying that!!!) and a cup of tea. :) Unfortunately that just meant there was even more for the others to drink. I think rob was a little tipsy, and im used to being round jack when he's hammered, so that was just amusing as usual. We played f-zero, which i TOTALLY sucked at. Kept getting disqualified. :( Rab kept winning, damn him. So i sulked. And Chris was getting tipsy, which meant my sulking got me kisses and cuddles and i got to choose the next game. :) That was probably the best stage of the night. Everyone was happy and having a really good time, and i love it when chris gets all cuddly like that. :) Rob didnt like my choice of game much though (mario party 4). Says it was a skill-less random game. And he's right. But it amuses me. :) So we swapped it for super monkey ball, which was MUCH more appreciated. Was basically the ideal night at that point, although i think i was probably a little sober, and jack and chris were starting to get a little too drunk.
Amusingly, they went to cook some chips. When me and rob went to check on them a while later, when they still hadnt come back upstairs, they had accidentally cooked a huge tray full of frozen chicken strips. It was about then that things kinda went a bit off. Chris n jack were absolutely trashed. Like, jack is always trashed, im used to that, but i dont think i've seen anyone as drunk as chris before. He couldnt get out a single coherent sentance. Which was kind of amusing, but very worrying. I dont like it when people get so drunk they cant control themselves. Thats when it gets scary, and you dont know what to expect. I felt really guilty for not stopping him from drinking that much, or mixing like he was. Eventually got him up stairs n he was pretty ill, and then a fair while after finally got him to bed.

Yesterday. Chris was IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILL all day. Not really suprised, but he was really really ill. Was nearly sick in the gardens at lunch. It totally broke my heart seeing him like that and not being able to do anything. Hate seeing him feel bad, physically or emotionally. And i think yesterday he was feeling both. He was talking bout how much he likes me, and i want it to be true, i really really do, but its sorta made me even more convinced he must be on the rebound. Why else would an awesome guy like chris say something like that to me? I'm soooooooooooo not good enough for him. Last night he talked a little bout him n helen n stuff, i dont think i'd appreciated how huge it was. Obviously i knew it lasted a long time and i knew they were engaged.... I dunno, i just dont think i can live up to her...

Aaaanyway, trying not to think about it too much, cos at the moment, chris still wants me, and thats good enough for me. I'm happier than i've ever been, and its all because of him. I'm going to enjoy it as long as it lasts, and then enjoy my friend forever. :)

Happiness

2005-06-05T11:58:00.000-07:00

Im in such a good mood today. Not sure why, im guessing its a lot to do with Chris. This week should be good, cos if things go to plan i get to stay at his all week. :)

I like him staying here, its ace, but my mum's kinda doing my head in at the mo, so it'd be good to get away. The fact im kinda worried chris is on the rebound isnt helped by her telling me he must be. Its kinda insulting that she thinks he couldnt like me for me, must be some other explanation, like him being on the rebound.

But apart from that im generally just happy. Stock take at work tomorrow, should be "fun"...... not. Though chris is gonna come down n help at 3, looks like i'll be stuck in the office counting preowned while everyone else does other stuff. At least after tomorrow it'll be done n then i can get back to making the shop look pretty :)

Been seriously thinking bout my whole season thing. Im pretty sure im not going to be able to afford it. Its june now, and i'd need to have all my debt cleared by the end of november, very latest. Which gives me six months MAX to clear it. I owe £3300 and have 7p in my bank. So its not exactly getting cleared fast. though only thing i have to spend money on anytime soon is my trip up north next week. And im doing tons of hours this week n next week. So then i think i'll pay off debt as fast as possible, and save up for a holiday. Would be ace to go away stateside with chris n rab. If they still want me to by then that is. Might even get to meet my cutie if i did that! :)

Happiness is the overall emotion of the day though, its just all good. :)

Two shots!

2005-06-03T13:26:00.000-07:00

Just got out the bath, think i was in for about an hour. Was just what i needed, was feeling pretty grotty after last night. Was an ace night. Just hate smelling of smoke and boozey sweaty mingingness. Had a pretty bad hangover today, wont be having a night like that again for a while! Chris wrote bout it in his blog. So basically it was a great night.

It was great, but more than a little emotional. Think it must have taken us a good couple hours to get back to his house! Basically started talking a bit about stuff thats happened to me a few years ago. He wants me to open up and talk to him about it all, and in a way i want to. I want him to open up to me because he says he's always bottled stuff up, and i dont want to give him any reason to bottle anything up. And i know that sooner or later its going to hit him hard that he's not with helen. It hit him a bit the other night, but thats not the full hit. I wanna be there for him when it happens, and in a way i hope it happens soon. I cant believe that its not a rebound till he starts getting over helen properly. And he cant get over her n move on until he lets go of that part of his life. And he cant do that till he really realises its over. He might not, he might realise he wants helen back and get back together and live happily ever after. And as long as he's happy thats cool. But this in between phase is tough, and he seems pretty ok at the moment, but i know its just not that easy, and i wanna help him in any way i can to get through it and hopefully move on properly.

Anyway, i guess thats one reason (or excuse, im not sure which) why i dont just talk to him properly about it all. Its not like its a big secret or anything, i dont hide it from people, i just dont choose to talk about it either. Only people i've ever properly talked about it to are zoe susan n ash, cos i was living with them when i guess it was affecting me the worst. And kev, who'll never understand just how huge a help he was to me, and still is. I told jack some stuff, but just not spoken to him about it much.

God this is going to be another very jumbled post that makes no sense. Never mind.

Anyway, last night. Chris had said that he didnt want to open up about all the stuff he needs to talk about unless i did. Which i dont really get cos his stuff is current issues, its stuff thats going on now, so its stuff that can be dealt with by talking about it. My stuff is stuff that happened a long time ago, so theres really no need to talk about it. Either way we ended up talking about it a bit. I got pretty upset, im not sure why. I think im mainly angry at myself. Chris wanted to help me, but i dont know if he can, and he was getting upset cos i was and that made me even angrier at myself! I just hate that i let it get to me, i've been quite good for ages and its not bothered me, but for some reason it upset me last night. It was all my own stupid fault in the first place, so im mad at myself for that, and im mad at myself for being upset about it, i have no right to be!

I dont want it to be part of my life now, i want to leave it in the past. I just dont know how. Its so difficult to talk about it, chris n kev keep telling me talking will help, but i dont see how. When i start thinking about it it just makes me feel upset and weak and pathetic for being upset and angry at myself for being weak and pathetic and not being able to just forget it.

Ugh....

Anyway yeah, although i was feeling a whole bunch of crappy emotions, i was also the happiest i've been for ages, cos i was with Chris. And the fact i was talking to him like that at all felt like a pretty big step. I trust him a lot. I trust him to pick me up, and thats saying something! Its a really good feeling to discover theres actually decent guys out there that dont live on the other side of the world. He got upset and angry at simon n john. Called them all kinds of names, its weird how he seemed to blame them so much. But its also just really really good to know he'll never be like them. Not that i ever thought he would, but it just kinda reassures me.

Im getting all confused with what im trying to say here, im not very sure whats going on in my head at the moment. All i know is it was a fun night, and im happy. Like chris says in his blog, i feel like last night brought us closer together, which is impressive, cos i already felt pretty damn close to him. But i feel like he knows me better than anyone at the moment, he's certainly the only person to have seen me like i was last night. Its like i dont have to pretend its ok with him, cos he knows its not. Im mad at myself for the fact that its not, and i probably will keep running away from it all and trying to pretend like it never happened. Its just easier that way. But its really really good to know that i dont have to with him.

I could keep writing this post all night i think, going round in circles, but i wont.
Going to head to bed n get some sleeeeeeeeeeep n kick the last of the hangover :)

Apologies to anyone that reads this if it makes no sense... but im writing this for me not you :P

2005-05-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

Chris. He'll probably pick me up or something for putting this online, but he's just so gorgeous i couldnt help it. :)

Not much to say

2005-05-30T11:14:00.000-07:00

Not got much to say, im just a bit bored and at a bit of a loose end.

Soooooooooooooooooooo Proud of my cutie Luthor for being brave bout his tattoo, looks ace too. Check out his blog for pics. :)

Been playing fable pretty much all day. Its an alright game, very nice to look at, but quite a lot of just button bashing. Give me turn based RPG any day.

Chris has been round since saturday after work. I didnt take any lunch so i could finish early, and it was a gorgeous day so before getting the bus back to silverton we went n sat in the gardens again. At this rate i might not even look like a peely wally scot soon! We watched a whole lot of buffy, played a few games and basically chilled out together. I love being round him, he likes doing the same things i do, and its just easy to be with him. He doesnt always expect conversation or anything, its just natural and comfortable. Though, i say that, but at the same time its also exciting and lots of fun.

I had to work yesterday, was possibly one of the dog fuckiest days i've ever had. Was me, chris, josh n elric. My chris just stayed here all day, played amped 2 i think. I'm gonna have to build up my characters profile in that now.... :) Was another lush sunny day, at one point josh just disappeared, then wandered back in the door ten minutes later. Chris asked where he'd gone and he was just like "ohhh.... i was just looking at the weather". He told me later he'd been to KFC then sat on the cathedral grass watching jugglers n eating, so off i went n had a seat in the sunshine n watched some jugglers for a bit. Came back n elric n josh said they'd told chris i was downstairs, and that he was down there looking for me. So i just hid behind a display gondola thing and pretended i'd been there the whole time.
Was so nice coming home to chris though. More of the same last night, buffy n tv n stuff. Was ace.

I guess the only major thing thats happened has been sleeping with chris. I know sensibly its way too soon, and im sure when he changes his mind about me then he might regret it, and i know he's probably just on the rebound, but since when am i sensible? I dont regret it, though i worry chris will. Still, as a very wise guy said, time will tell.....

2005-05-27T15:15:00.000-07:00

Woooaaaahhh yeah.

Few new things over the past couple days.

Went to Chris's house on... umm.... wednesday? Maybe... one night anyway. Was REALLY cool. I want a room like his, covered in games and dvds and cool stuff. JEALOUS! Was really nice, cos he's been round here quite a lot, so i feel like he's becoming a pretty big part of my life here, but going round his made me feel like im maybe becoming part of his life too. Especially when he said i was the first girl to go in his room other than helen in the past 5 or 6 years or so! And meeting his mum, man, i was TERRIFIED! I suck at meeting parents even when i know they have absolutely no reason to disapprove of me, but when i can imagine all kinda of reasons why they'd hate me, it makes it loads worse. But apparently i seem nice, so i guess im allowed to go back, so its all good :)

Thursday night was cool. Last night infact. Im pretty tired now so i can imagine this entry might be totally jumbled and nonsensical. Is that a word? Looks like musical.... Hmm. I think i had a dream about Cats last night.... Did i? No.... something about cats.... who was raped by mr mistofolees? Was that in team america? Fuck yeah, think it was... (awesome film, tho the bit in the limo at the start made me laugh so suddenly i got tango out my nose)

Rambles..

ummmm last night. Yeah. Can u tell im just typing as im thinking? Anyway, yeah. I finished work at 3.30, and met chris, and it was a really warm day so we went n sat in the gardens again. We go there quite often, its really nice. Doesnt feel like you're in the city centre at all. After a wee while we went to hole in the wall for a couple games of pool, n a couple drinks. We'd arranged to meet Rob there later when he finished work. Played 4 games, it was 2 all. We both still suck, but occasionally one of us will actually do a semi decent shot. Which is pretty cool. :)
Rob turned up and was like a kid that had taken speed or something!!! He was all shaky and bouncey and hyper and amusing and cute. We were going to karaoke, and he was soooooooooooooooooo excited! I've never been to karaoke before, so that was a totally new experience for me. Rob was like, second to sing, and he was ace. Didnt like the song so much, ebeneezer goode, but still very impressed at rob. Cant imagine having the confidence to do that at all. Was very cool. Then he sang teenage dirtbag just before we left, which was awesome. Best song of the night by far. :)
Then we went to the cavern. chris's bro in law works there n had got us put on the guest list so we didnt have to pay. How cool is that!!! We went to see 4 ft fingers who absolutely kicked ass. They were sooooooo cool. Rob had to leave after support bands which was a shame cos it meant he missed a totally cool band. But in a way was kinda nice, cos we got all coupley n gross. Like, think it just kinda dawned on me that im with chris now when the singer asked for a shout from all the single girls in the crowd. I didnt shout. It was ace, i've never watched a band like that before. Im usually jumping about in the front going a bit mental. Or occasionally further back being sensible, like when im worried about zoe or when i saw hundred reasons with linz, who would get crushed, even by mini moshers, and i couldnt leave her cos it was her first gig..... Where was i? Yeah, we were at the side of the pit, so pretty near the front. Perfect view of the band most of the time, n kinda just getting into it, but not going so mental you cant see the band. Just didnt want to let go of chris. Kept getting into the band, n almost forgetting where i was n who i was with n stuff, then turning round, and seeing it was chris, and it was one of the coolest feelings ever, having this sexy guy with his arm round me, at an awesome gig.

My american/canadian/whatever u wanna call it its all foreign n weird/ cutie is getting his tattooooooo tomorrow! Lots of good luck to him, sure it'll be fine. Just dont forget, antiseptic cream, in the fridge. And dont pick it. :)

Sleeeeeeeeeepy, but kinda dont wanna go to bed. It sucks, i hate my dreams. Recently told chris about some shit thats gone on in the past, and even though when im awake im pretty cool with it all, when i sleep, its not always so cool. When im awake i can tell myself its ok, cos u know, shit happens, and everything that has happened could've been a lot worse really. When im asleep it just kinda gets to me sometimes. So im quite happy sitting here listening to my new cd, talkin to chris n kev, n generally hanging on the brink of sleep..... but im so tired.... but i dont wanna sleep....

Thanks again kev, i'll never ever forget that u were there for me when shit happened in the first place n when my dreams bout it all were really bad. I appreciate it loads.

Changes

2005-05-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

Everything changes all the time. Its crazy!!!

So, last time i wrote i was getting rushed out the door to go boarding.

Milton Keynes was ace, snow was really nice n soft, forgot how much difference it makes going on snow, cos i've been enjoying the dry slope quite a lot anyway. But going on snow again, i had a lot more confidence, so was happy to throw myself over the kicker n the box, though i wasnt exactly great at landing them - maybe 30% success rate. thing is, i KNOW what i'm doing wrong, i know i dont bend my knees enough, and i know my stance is too narrow, and i know i could do with changing my back angle so i'm a bit duck footed. And yet i havent changed any of it. I will though, need to go find a screw driver, and lets face it, i basically cant be assed. I'm comfy how i ride, even if its not good.

Anyway, the boarding was ace, though i think i might have annoyed james a bit by being too impatient to get back out and board every time we went into the bar or anything. But never mind. :) Me and claire had arrived late, so i just wanted to make the most of my time on the slope as possible. Didnt get to speak to everyone as much as i would've liked, but was up n down with james n tim most of the night, and got to see a fair bit of luke too. Was ace seeing littlekat from edinburgh again, and tim n drew were such a cute couple, as always. Hahaha, they'd kill me if they knew i'd written that. Seeing nick was pretty fun too, had a bit of a snow fight, which i basically won by guilt tripping him about the fact that the last time he'd thrown a snowball at me he'd made my nose bleed! Boarding was great, but afterwards sucked a bit. It was tim's birthday so he wanted to go out n get wasted. And Glen, who i was kinda seeing up till feb, was getting just as wasted. Thirteen of us went out to the club after boarding, maybe it was just an unlucky number!

The club just sucked, was crappy dancey music, and was full of those older people that still wanna be young, but are too old to go to younger folks clubs. You know the type, the women who wear those completely strapless tops and fall out of them, and have big old saggy boobs. Yeah, u know them. And the guys that love every second. You know them too. It was horrible and smokey and the music was too loud to have a conversation (god, listen to me, i sound like the boring old person) but it was also too crap to dance to. So the drunk half of the group kinda danced, and the sober half either tried to get drunk, or sat texting people! I was one of the texters. Apologies to chris again, cos i was texting away, trying not to think about where i was too much, didnt realise how late it was. Anyway, after the club was fun too, back at the travel inn, could chat away happily without yelling, and they'd had a power cut, which means we're getting a refund :) We watched our dvd from Tahoe. Luke has done a really stunning job on it, it makes me want to go back soooooooooooooo much, and as i write this, chris is trying to convince me to go on holiday with him and rob. Dammit....

Anyway, about that. Chris.

Kissed him on thursday night when i was drunk. Not even a big kiss, just a little one, but he didnt kiss back, n that was ok, cos he'd said it just wasnt the right time, which was more than fair enough, n was silly of me to try n kiss him anyway.
Anyway, he came over on saturday after i got back from mk, and stayed over again. His company is awesome, normally after a night boarding at mk i dont wanna see anyone, cos im usually quite tired n a bit grouchy, but its easy to be round chris. Takes more effort to not be in his company than to be with him. If that makes sense. We played some gamecube, and started watching films. Didnt get very far into the first film when the kissing started. Or when i started the kissing, not sure which. Was some cheek n forehead kissing n the like, and then we kissed properly.

I kept worrying that he was going to regret it, or be upset or something, but so far it all just seems good. I'm kind of scared he's just on the rebound after helen, but he seems to believe he genuinely likes me, and im willing to trust him on that cos it just feels too good not to. Cant ever think of anyone i've felt so happy to be around. The onyl way i can think of to describe it is natural. I feel totally at ease with him, and it just seems like the natural thing to do to hug n kiss him. My head keeps telling me he's on the rebound and i should be careful, and shouldnt be doing this, but i cant help it. It feels too right. And if or when he gets back with helen and never talks to me again cos he hates me for taking advantage of him, then im sure my head till just keep telling me it told me so. But until then i'm just going to enjoy what i have with him, because it makes me happy. And life's too short not to be happy. I'll just make sure im prepared for him to end whatever we've got, and it'll all be fine.

Crazy how things change though, just a few weeks ago i was clinging to any bit of my life up north i could. Was trying to figure out how to get back quickest, and concentrating on mark, cos he provided a link between my life here and my life there, cos i was speaking to him most days. And dont get me wrong, he'll always be a good friend of mine, and i dont regret the week i had in edinburgh with him, but there was never really more than a friendship gone a bit off the rails. He just provided a distraction from the fact that i was lonely as hell here and hating it. Its all different now though. Now i've started boarding regularly and making proper friends (thank you chris and rob, you guys mean so much to me, i'll never be able to thank u both enough for actually making me happy to be here) i'm loving it here. So much so that im even reconsidering doing a season this year. Also partly for financial reasons, i cant be in debt when i go out, and im just not managing to clear it as fast as i'd like.

I'll write more about the season thing once i've thought about it a bit more. Its weird, cos i've had my heart set on it for ages, was determined not to let anything stop me doing it, and now... well, now i just dont know if im that bothered. As long as i get to board, i dont know.... Confusing. Weird how things change, it really is.

Also, my cutie is feeling ill, so anyone that reads this, think get well thoughts for kev, he doesnt deserve to feel ill, he's too nice.

No hangover, yay!

2005-05-20T05:26:00.000-07:00

I dont have a hangover.

I really should have one.

I deserve one.

I was very very drunk.

It was a good night though, wasnt even planning on going out, but then chris mentioned at lunch time he was thinking of going out. I asked if i was invited and he said i'd kinda be the reason to go out. So i called jack and we decided to go to Hole in The Wall while chris was at work, cos he didnt finish till 9. Jack's workmate and a couple other people i dont know were there, but as so often happens with me and jack, we decided to get wasted. Evil boss bully chris and his mate matt turned up too. About 6 or 7 bottles of VS later, chris turned up and i had some more. Just had a really good laugh. Played lots of pool, lost embarrassingly badly. Evil chris went home a bit early, but his mate matt stuck around. I dont know if i like him, he makes me feel uncomfy. Think i insulted him a bit, he was offering cigarettes, and went "do u smoke jen?" and i just screwed up my nose at him and went "as if"..... He didnt look best impressed anyway, so i felt a bit guilty for that. Only the second time i've met the guy and i was being nasty. But im not really that bothered what he thinks of me anyway, only people that were out last night that i care about their opinions are jack and chris.

Jack likes chris. Lots. Chris likes jack. Its all good. Jack approves of me liking chris, which is odd, cos so far most people have been warning me away from liking him. Except my cutie kevin, who just says i shouldnt be scared. I really wish kev lived over here, then he would've come out last night too (if he wasnt watching the new star wars again). Anyway, he doesnt, so i gotta stop wishing for the impossible. One day im gonna meet him, and that will be ace. For just now i just feel really lucky to have such a cute friend. :)

Aaaaanyway, last night.
Updated jack on the whole chris situation, since last time i saw jack chris was still with helen, and even though i liked him, i didnt like him this much. Anyway, basically jack said i seem loads happier when i talk about chris, and said that he thinks he's ace. Then told me to "take him home and do bad bad things to him". Then he said "i would if i was you.... in fact i just would."
I wonder about jack sometimes. :) Basically though, jack's opinion means loads to me, and im glad he likes chris. If he'd met him and hung out with him and not liked him, i'd be majorly confused. Not that anyone could possibly not like him, he's just soooo cool. Impossible to dislike. And he's a real nice guy. Which is why i shouldnt let anything happen, even tho we've both admitted several times we both want it to.

Like last night, he walked me to the bus station, and was hugging me bye. And i kissed him. Not a full on kiss, just a mwah

More later, gotta go.

Everything

2005-05-19T00:37:00.000-07:00

Ok, so im just going to post everything im thinking. Fuck it.

Been trying to be a bit careful about what i say, because i dont want to step on anyones toes or piss anyone off or anything. Basically i guess cos im worried that somehow helen will end up reading it (tho i know the chances are slim to none, seemed silly to write stuff, just in case). I just dont wanna cause any problems.

But if this was my paper diary, i'd write about it, and im trying to keep this just like my paper one, so it doesnt make sense not to write about everything thats on my mind.

So, if this upsets or offends anyone, or pisses anyone off, or causes any negative emotion in anyone at all, then im sorry. So... where to start.

I guess its got to be with chris. Basically, i like him a lot. Its blatantly obvious to everyone that i do. We've become really close, just feel really comfy and happy round him, and i can talk to him dead easy about anything. He's stayed over a couple times now, and while nothing even the slightest bit dodgy has happened, it feels somehow closer than just mates, i guess cos we hug lots n stuff. I mean, i hug my friends, i hug josh n elric n stuff, but it feels different.
I sorta feel like im taking advantage of him when he's vulnerable and emotional and rebounding and stuff, and i feel like a complete bitch for that. Its just a weird situation, cos he insists he doesnt mind, but i think its just rebound feelings, and i dont wanna be taking advantage of that just cos i like him.

Ugh, im too sleepy to write this just now, i cant make it come out right, im getting all jumbled. I'll get there in the end i gues.s....

Bum

2005-05-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

I'm soooooo gonna take a pic of my bum n post it here later, its such an awesome colour, seems a shame not to share it with the world!

So anyway, past few days...

Been a bit up n down, mainly up. There was obviously boarding on monday, which was really cool. Such a good night. I love the car journeys back too, cos i tend to go a bit quiet on my wind down from boarding, and it seems to work well with chris n rob, cos they'll both spend the whole journey singing along to good tunes really loud. Its good fun, its times like that that help me see myself staying here for a fair while yet. Dunno how i'd be feeling if i hadnt met those two, they make me feel like im wanted in exeter, which is a really good feeling.

So yeah, boarding on monday, then yesterday was a chris n jenny day. We met up on lunch to play pool (he beat me, the lucky git, cant believe i lost to someone that can make the white ball hit their hand!!!) Then after work he came back to Silverton with me to hang out n watch films n stuff. We watched the day after tomorrow and High fidelity. Both excellent films, watched in excellent company, so was an excellent night :)

Work was a bit crap on monday, we didnt do anything, chris n josh just spent the whole time playing halo2 on the pod, which just kinda bugged me after a while. So i did no work either, and nothing got done. Which meant jack was FUMING yesterday. Absolutely ballistic at chris. Which i felt totally guilty for cos it was just me and jack in till 11, and we were just chatting. He was like "so, quiet day yesterday then?" And he was lookin at the figures and we hadnt got anywhere near target, so i told him it was totally dead. And he was like "so, what did chris get up to all day then? playing games?" and i just stood there like a big dumb goldfish going "ummmm....." Didnt wanna be the one to grass them up, but why should i cover up for him skiving either? Especially when chris has been bugging me so much over the past couple days anyway... (boss chris, not nice chris) Anyway, we also had a couple customers complain about his attitude and stuff, whcih basically all added up to make jack one very unhappy boss man, and meant chris got a bollocking this morning. Anyway, seemed to smooth out after that, but at the moment i seem to be getting on fine with jack, and not chris! Weirdness....

Anyway, i cant be bothered to do this properly just now, my heads all in a bit of a mess, so i'll go away for a wee think.

OOoooowww-eeeeeeee

2005-05-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

Sitting down hurts....

But oh my god was it worth it!!! Just got back from plymouth again, was the boarder night and they had out 2 kickers. One huge fuck off scary one that there was no way i was going anywhere near, and a nice inviting friendly baby one.

Hit the baby one a few times, only i kept landing then promptly sitting straight down. So hard that i managed to rip my trousers, which meant i was showing off my lovely bright pink pants all night. Chris was confusing me about talking bout having a nice view on the way up the lift, wasnt till he pointed out the rip at the end that i knew what he was talking about. CRINGE!!!

Met a few guys that were just annoyingly good. Especially since they only started a few months ago, damn them. But they made me want to be good more than ever, so gonna try even harder at milton keynes on friday now. :)

Smeghead

2005-05-15T11:16:00.000-07:00

I love Red Dwarf.
It is genius, it really really is. Got paid a bit more than i thought i would on friday, so let chris be a bad influence and persuade me to buy seasons 1-4 on dvd. So glad, cos its absolutely awesome.

Last night chris and rob came round and we watched loads of episodes, spent the whole night giggling. Rob had to leave about midnight cos he'd told his mum he'd be back at 11. Heehee. I was referred to as "that girl we met" while he was on the phone. Made me feel kinda chuffed that i've been talked about and stuff. :) Chris stayed over though, watched red dwarf till about 4 am. Was really nice. I'd originally asked (well, told) him to come out cos i was worried about him, cos of all the stuff going on with helen. He seemed to be ok though, not sure if he's putting on a brave face most of the time or not, but he seemed a lot better than last time.

Not sure if i should write about that stuff here though. If this was my paper diary i would, cos its something im thinking about, but it hardly seems fair to him knowing he may well read this, or rob might, its a bit weird.

I probably will at somepoint, but for now i'll just say that im glad they split up, i know its hurting them both just now, but until they're happy by themselves they cant be happy together, and its gotta be about being happy, or whats the point?

Friends

2005-05-14T11:38:00.000-07:00

I love my friends.

Just been thinking recently just how lucky i am to have such good mates, and so many of them. I think its awesome that i can be friends with a cutie on the other side of the world. Its cool how close i've got to chris recently, i know i could rely on him to help me with any problem, even though he's got such a huge problem of his own to deal with. Just as well i dont have any probs at the mo though. :) Then i've got people like zoe and dave and ash and mark and bunny and jack and finlay and kathy and euan, who are all just total stars that i've met over the past couple years and i know will always be my friends. I could go months without seeing them, and i know it'll be the same as always when i do see them. And then theres people like sarah, sheona and lindsay, who i've known like, FOREVER, and will always always keep in touch with. They're cool as :) Whole reason i ever started keeping a diary was sarah. We were gonna swap in ten years and laugh at the boys we fancied and stuff. That was probably about ten years ago now actually. Might just let her read this....

Sorry cutie

2005-05-13T13:06:00.000-07:00

Big hugs going out to the cutest guy in the world, really sorry u had a rubbish day... wish i'd been there for you. Will be on tonight about 11 my time, so hopefully can be a shoulder for u then if u want. *HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE HUGS*

Reason i wasnt around was cos i was tryin to help out chris, who's just split up with helen, like five minutes after i posted my happy days bit. Kills me knowing friends are having a hard time and i cant help at all...
I'll try my hardest though

Again HUGE HUGS to my cutie, speak soon.

Happy days

2005-05-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

Today was ace.
Was a gorgeous sunshiney day, it was lovely. Got up early ish and was in town by 9, met up with chris and we went and sat in these gardens i never knew existed in the sunshine. Was really nice there, although we nearly got brutally murdered by a ninja squirrel, but we were saved by a killer ant and a kung fu robin.
I was accidentally an hour late for work, cos i was having a really nice time, cant remember the last time i just sat out in the sunshine. Boss chris pointed at his watch a bit when i got there but that was about it, i just worked till 6 instead of 5. Find out whats going on with contracts tomorrow. Day at work passed pretty quickly, had lots to do, and it was an alright day. Not so much fun, but still ok. Me jack and elric tomorrow, and its always good working with elric. :)

Had another really good chat with chris this morning, it sucks what a tough time he's going through just now, really wish i knew how to help him, just got my fingers crossed. Im rubbish at giving advice on relationships, all im good at is ending them! Hopefully its helping just being able to talk about it.

Guess we'll see. Got fingers crossed anyway, just want to see him happy.

Another day off

2005-05-10T14:14:00.000-07:00

It really sucks how much time off im getting since jack started. Dont think he likes me much, which sucks, cos when andy or ian was in charge they were always asking me to work more, and i was getting loads of hours, and was never sat at home bored.

But here i am, bored again. At least soon i'll be able to walk into town on my days off, if i wanted to go in today it'd cost a fiver! Rip off. So i'm going to have to amuse myself here for the day. Will probably watch a lot of wolfs rain, the anime dvds i bought off of martyn. Well, the dvds he sold me while i was distracted by the pretty box. Figured i might as well write in here for a bit while i let my hair dry all frizzy n shitty n wavy and big, so that i can go play with straighteners while i watch anime :)

Yesterday was ace, the best day i've had here in a long time. It was just me and chris "working" till 12, when josh came in till 6. We had hardly any customers, bad for business i know, but its not my job to care, as jack keeps pointing out, im an insignificant part of the shop, i just do as im told.
So we put SSX3 on the ps2, which meant i kicked ass. Unlike the other day when we had it on the silly xbox and i didnt know any controls. Then we played some amped2. I love that game, really have to get round to buying it. Might have to swap one of my aqua ps2s for an xbox, if jack or chris will let me. Then i can make my new room a game central and it'll be coooool. Obviously i kicked chris's ass at that, he sucked big time and i was blatantly awesome. :)
My unchallenged supremeness at amped didnt go down too well, so we put on tony hawk 3. Another one i want, got awesome tunes, and i've only ever played THUG and THUG2, so one of the original tony hawks would be a good addition to my meager game collection. I didnt even get to play it though, cos chris totally hogged it.
Mark called me, which was really nice. Sounds like he had a good birthday, and he says the book i got him was his fave present. Was nice to catch up, cos since he told me he met someone else i've been kinda keeping my distance a bit more. So i chatted to him for a bit, then once i got off the phone chris was still hogging the ps2 so i started playing star wars on the DS. Its good fun, but i sucked at it. Kept dying, so when josh came in and wanted to play it i gave it up without much of a fight.
Chris sent me to do the banking when i asked if i could go for lunch (after he sent me to buy his lunch by using the always-effective line "you can buy yourself an icecream"). So i got to go out in the sunshine again, was a really gorgeous day. Still dont really like walking down a busy high street with £6000 in my bag though. So on the way back i bought a box of fabs and took them into debenhams to see that Chris. Confusing. Hmmm... might have to call one of the chris's something else, but for now we'll just call debenhams Chris ChrisC. So ChrisC took his lunch break with me, we just wandered down the high street n ate fabs. He was going to have a cup of tea in our shop, but i got distracted cos when we got there james was there with ellie. Cant believe she's 7 months old already, and she's got so heavy! She's adorable. Blows raspberrys. Its so cute. So anyway, i got distracted and didnt get to make ChrisC a cuppa. Was a bit sad about that cos i was really enjoying his company, but by that time there was only a few hours left till we'd arranged to meet at the pub, so it was all good.
Josh and Chris were up to something, i had no idea what but wasnt really that bothered, i'd found a game for the GBA called Its Mr Pants, which is a block puzzle game, bit like Tetris, but not really, but it was driving me crazy, so they were just a background distraction. Next thing i knew their voices were blaring out through the shop speakers. They'd only gona and hooked up singstar microphones. Was amusing for about ten minutes, then got old, although Chris scared one kid by doing a darth vadar voice, which was funny. :) Turns out they were also planting about a million security tags in the lining of my hoody and in my bag and wallet and stuff. It was pretty annoying, im going to start detagging my bag and jacket before leaving the shop. I put one in chris's pocket, hope he set the alarm off too. :)

Pub time! Got there just before Rob arrived, so didnt stand around for ages looking like a loner like i do when im meant to be meeting elric. We grabbed a couple drinks and a pool table and started setting up, and ChrisC arrived. Me and rob had planned to let him win every game to try n cheer him up, but lets face it, im faaaaaaaaar too competitive to do that. So we got him drunk instead. :) And besides, its almost impossible to let someone win when they hit the white off the table or miss everything or pot the black early! Still, we all suck big time, so we all won some, and all lost some. Was really good fun. Robs a good laugh, though i suspect he may actually be crazy, he was obsessing over a pork chop he found in the loo and talking about deep throating a pool cue! I had to ask if he was gay, but apparantly not. :) And ChrisC seemed to be having a really good time, least till Helen called when he seemed a bit more down cos she was upset. Im trying to keep an open mind about her, i really really am cos i've never met her. All i know is that she moved out - she was staying at his. And is now upset about it. So to me it seems like a bit of attention seeking or something, which is a pretty huge pet hate of mine. Anyway, pool seemed to take his mind off it a bit, either that or the whisky/gin concoctions rob was feeding him.
It was time for me to go for my bus waaaaaay too soon so i called iain to ask if he'd give me a lift home and he said he would, which was ace of him. Rob decided to head home though cos he had work early this morning, which was fair enough. Me and Chris tried to go to the cavern, but it was closed so we ended up in Timepiece. I was happy with that cos when i'd been there on thursday with dan n elric i'd spotted this cool corner seat i'd wanted to sit in but it had been taken. So we got a seat and a chance to have a proper chat.
Its crazy, i met him like, 2 weeks ago, not even that, but it already feels like we're really close. Hate seeing him so upset over Helen, they've been together since they were 17. I cant imagine that, so i dont really know how to make him feel better about it. It doesnt really sound like a happy relationship though, it reminds me a bit of ashley and david. In my opinion (baring in mind i dont really know anything about it, so this is a first impression thing, and also jaded since i've been in n out of relationships so much i've become very cynical) they love each other through habit, cos they're scared not to be together, they stay together. But they dont make each other happy, so i dont see the point.
Anyway, Chris spoke to me about it all, hope it helped being able to get it off his chest a bit. Really hope they do work things out and start making each other happy, cos from the sounds of it they just piss each other off at the moment, and he's beating himself up really badly about it, cos he loves her and hates seeing her upset. But its never just one persons fault, so hopefully her moving out will give them a bit of space and time to sort it out and be happy.
Already feel about him the way i feel about mark. Yeah, i like him, and if things were different i'd want to be with him cos i know that would make me happy. But more than that i value good friends, they're there forever, friendships last, relationships dont. And because they're my friends (mark and chris) i care about them, and want to see them happy. Mark seems happy now, with alison, so thats great. I am happy for him, still feel a little rejected, but the main feeling there is relief that our wee thing didnt mess up the friendship. Could so easily have gone bad, its just as well we had such a good friendship to start with. Feel like thats what i've got with Chris already, a really really solid friendship, so i feel pretty lucky to have that. Friends really are sooooo important to me. For the first time last night i went to sleep happy, not wishing i was back in scotland.

CRAP.

Turns out house sale has fallen through, so mum wants on computer. Damn. Was so glad we'd sorted something out.

(ass is now a funny purple/red colour and knees have gone greeny)

2005-05-10T07:02:00.000-07:00

Good bunch of people. Snow, sun. Ace holiday. What more could u ask for?

2005-05-10T06:59:00.000-07:00

I just love pics from Tahoe, they make me smile. This is the view to Carson City from Heavenly.

Relationships SUCK

2005-05-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

man, im hooked on this thing. Seem to be writing about everything i think about!

Thinking how much relationships suck. Like, even the ones that appear good to people on the outside, the people in them usually arent happy. Out of all the people i know, i can think of 2 happy couples. Theres susan and keith, who are obviously meant to be together, and are the one assurance i have that love can and does exist sometimes. And theres zoe and dave, who complain and bitch and moan about each other constantly, and yet love each other more than i can imagine. Im soooooo glad those two got together. Been years now, and i cant imagine them not being together, which is ace.

But then theres sooooo many people in relationships that they arent happy with.
Ashley says her n david are happy now, but i never really believe her cos i lived with her and saw how hurt she was every time he ignored her, or belittled her, or told her what to do, and i cant imagine he's changed all that much.
Elric and his girls, well, thats all just waaaay complicated, and no happy couples there.
Jack n kim - how much more fecked could it get? They seem like the most sickeningly cute couple to anyone that meets them, and yet kim cheated on him for a whole year in the house i shared with them, with my ex, ross, who also lived there! I mean, is that fucked up or what?
Other couples i know are splitting up, or live too far apart, and then theres couple like si nhis jenny. They came in today with baby zack, like i said earlier. And looking at them you'd imagine they'd be a perfectly happy couple, with a new baby, and good jobs and stuff. But no, simons away sleeping with lots of other people, me included (more fool me), jenny adores him and wont split up with him, even though she knows he's not in love with her and is only with her cos of zack.

How can love be so completely one sided? Like, biologically and psychologically and stuff, we're meant to love people that love us back. That way we can make babies, human species survives, job done. I remember taking part in some scary studies at uni that proved that if you see a photo of a member of the opposite sex, and rate them out of ten, then see a photo of the same person, but manipulated so they look more like yourself, like changing the eye colour or shape of the nose or something, then you'll fancy them more. Apparently everyone tends to fancy people with similar physical characteristics to themselves. Which is a bit weird, but it makes sense. Like, say you're like me and into piercings and tattoos and stuff. (only got a couple, but if i could afford the money and wrath of parents i'd have more) Anyway, this makes me more attracted to guys with a nice tattoo or a piercing or two. Which makes sense cos a lot of the time you can tell from how a person looks what kinda stuff they're into, music wise, or what kind of sports they like and stuff. Like i cant say i've ever fancied a guy in a football top, cos it drives me crazy, but show me a guy with a system of a down hoody and a pierced lip and im smitten.
Anyway, all this attraction stuff means surely if you end up getting together with someone you fancy that you've probably got quite a lot in common with them too. But it never seems to work that way, and i cant understand why not.
I mean, it would make sense if it worked out like that, and everyone lived happily ever after. But even when you're with someone that you've got stuff in common with, there just seems to be so much against it working. They end up just annoying you. Like, imagine me and elric or me and jack got together, cos we've got stuff in common. In a perfect world where love works like it should, we'd be amazing together, cos i work like they do, where i get mad if i dont get my space, but like having someone to be close with too. So if i got together with one of them, or someone like them, it should work out great, in theory. But when you see couples that are that similar, they just dont work.

I dont get it, love should be sooooooooooo easy, but it just seems to go wrong every single time.
Bah, better go think about something else...

Snowboarding. mmmmm

(ass is still pretty blue, dont understand how its possible to bruise the crack so much. Sure you needed to know that)

2005-05-08T12:44:00.000-07:00

Squaw sunshine. Mmmm

Easy like all day sunday

2005-05-08T10:00:00.000-07:00

I love sunday's. Get a lie in, and elric runs the shop.

Which meant we opened ten minutes late, then sat and had a cup of tea and some mini donuts from tesco. Then sat in the office and had one of our conversations. We have really really good talks about guys n girls. So we sat and talked about why i fell for mark, and why i got over him so easily. We talked all about him n his relationships with lots of girls. Wont write about that here though cos its not fair on him, even if noone does read this theres always a chance they might. Then we played the lovehearts game. You have to say two peoples names before taking a loveheart, then see what it says about their relationship. Me and elric was "funny face". Its obviously elric thats got a funny face cos him and dan was the same. Me and mark was "crazy". Me and boss chris was "Will you". Only one i got anything positive with was debenhams chris, which i got "dream boy" with. Then i felt a bit sick cos i'd eaten too many sweets. DOH!

When we made it back onto the shop floor we put SSX3 on the store xbox, with the intention of me winning on 9 tvs. I sucked so badly!!! I couldnt play it at all, think i've played too much tony hawk or amped or something, couldnt get any of the controls, so ended up wiping out lots on 9tvs instead, so we played Outlaw Golf 2 :)
Shane and josh shouted at each other a bit, was a bit awkward. But then simon came in with baby lawson, and he was sooooooooooooo cute. 6 days old, totally adorable.

Was basically another slow day. Just the way i like it. Very dog fucky, to use one of my new fave expressions. :)

Bits n stuff

2005-05-07T22:30:00.000-07:00

Just feel like writing really, not got much to write about, but not sure if anyone even reads this anyway, so its just for me really.

Its cool, this past week i feel like life here has really picked up. Think my last trip up north didnt really do me any good at all. It was an amazing week, and it was great seeing everyone, i REALLY miss my life in edinburgh. I always knew i liked mark at work in standard life, and always knew we got on well n stuff, but never expected us to click so well when we spent proper time together. So while it was really good like that, i think when i came back i just felt even more lonely than i had before, cos not only was i missing all my normal friends, but i was missing him as more than a friend. A week later i ended up sleepin with si again, another stupid drunken mistake, which just made me feel like, a million miles below rock bottom, then mark tells me he's met someone else, and i managed to bury even further into the down place. Like that bit in armageddon where they think they cant drill any deeper, then they do.
Anyway, i was down about that for a whole day or something, then realised we were only friends anyway, why should it bother me. End of the day, mark's a good good friend of mine, and so naturally i want him to be happy. I'm not gonna say no to getting together if it ever works out like that, but im not going to get upset if it doesnt, especially at the moment. He's happy, and i feel like now i can settle down here better. Not sure if that makes sense, but hey, if theres anyone reading this thinkin "what the hell is she talking about, weirdo" Then u know what, noones making you read it ;)
So been out with chris n rob boarding last night, night before was out with elric n dan et al, night before was out with jack n chris n dan. And i just feel so much better about it all, i can just enjoy myself, and make friends here, without wishing i was with my old friends. Obviously i miss them all heaps, but new friends are just as cool. And thinking about it, everyones sorta drifting apart up north anyway, it was ace being up, but wasnt the same as when i was there all the time. I can make here my new ace place :) Especially if we move into town soon, then i wont have to worry about buses home or anything.
Then there really will be no beef with anything. :) Except the usual money crap. Gonna have to trade in a few of my worthless games for cash to cover buses next week too. Damn.

On the cool side, we got those wristband type things in work today that u used to get when u were wee, u know the ones which have a metal strip in them and u slap them on ur wrist and they curl round it. That was fun. Made for roughly 9 hours of amusement :) We're so mature.

Noob.

Plymouth is ace

2005-05-06T23:30:00.000-07:00

So just got back from boarding, it was ace. Loved plymouth dry slope, bit dry, but i guess thats the way it goes. :) Got two bruised knees and a bruised butt cheek but no bruised ego so its all good. In fact ego was kinda inflated. Got chatting to a guy that turned out to be an instructor, and he reckons i should be doing the instructor course they got going on at the mo. Takes 9 weeks, costs £8.50 a time, and qualifies you to teach on john nike dryslopes, but they also teach you to do some freestyle stuff and to be a better boarder. Anyway, they've done the first two weeks, but the guy i was speaking to was saying i was a better boarder than some people on the course, so could easily bypass the first couple of "get your standard up" lessons. Going to look into getting there n back cos it seems a bit unfair to ask chris n rob to go when i wanna. Sometimes i wish i could drive...

Had such an ace time though, chris n rob are brilliant guys, really good fun. Sooooo glad i met them, was starting to get really depressed about having nae pals in exeter. Obviously theres folk like elric n josh n ruth from work, but its different having friends outside work. And jack's been kept on a very tight leash with kim about, thank feck she's moving back to glasgow. Sooner she gets out the way sooner i'll have my mate back. Mum's still convinced me n him will get together, but soooooooooo never gonna happen, he's such a good friend he's become totally asexual. Like a brother.

Anyway, on a pretty big high from boarding. For the record, i know i can get down the slope in less than 20 seconds, but my eyes were watering so it took a couple seconds to focus on my watch! But still think its cool. :) Just thought i should vent some of that here or i'll go to bed hyper n wont sleep for ages.

One hour

2005-05-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

Godammit, days off are sooooooooooo slow

Renamed most of my music collection, tho some songs are still messed up, sooooooo annoying.

Drank 3 cups of tea.
Changed the stuff on my mp3 player.
Read some other peoples blogs, didnt know so many people kept one, its cool.
Looked at stuff on goneboarding, it bores me now though. Used to love it... www.goneboarding.co.uk cos when i started boarding the only other person i knew that boarded at all was lindsay and she was only semi into it, and i let it take over my life. Goneboarding was great for a while, great way to meet new folk that thought like i did, but now its just the same old posts "what boots do i get" "how do i jump" "should i wear a helmet" "what size board" "where do i go on holiday" So now its dull. Still spend loads of time browsing random threads n lookin through galleries, but barely post now. Though the events are still good fun, not long till timay's birthday thing at MK, which im really lookin forward to. Gonna try conquer the rail, managed the box last time, which i was pretty chuffed with, tho it was easier than i thought. Thing is i dont mind kickers, but have this fear of coming off a rail on toe edge n slamming my knees against the rail. but i will conquer my fear! Gonna try n talk chris n rob n helen into going to plymouth on a monday for boarder night when they put out rails. :)

3 hours to kill...

2005-05-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

I hate having days off, i never ever know what to do with myself. We're going to see a house in a few hours, but i'd got sod all to do just now. I could play a game, but im so sick of games!!! So im on the computer, as per usual, trying to sort out my music. Cant believe i lost half of it :(

Figured i might as well give this a go, since i never seem to get out my paper diary these days - it fell down the back of my bed and i REALLY cant be assed moving my bed. So since it seems noone reads this anyway, least noone that i mind knowing stuff (such as mum, brother or anyone like that) i might as well give it a go.

So, things on my mind at the moment -

1) my perpetual enemy, money. Or lack of it. But wont even go into that, cos its a constant problem, and life would just be weird if i wasnt skint. If anyone wants to buy 2 aqua ps2s let me know. :)
2) my job. I like the work, its easy, we spend all day serving customers, playing games and putting stickers on boxes. I like elric, he's a great mate and easy to get on with at work. I like the new deputy, chris, he's cool, good taste in music (very important) and good fun. I like most people that work there. I dont like the boss. Jack is a total nobber, he's a patronising git and ARGH, grrrr. And it doesnt pay that well, so see problem 1.
3) guys. They are soooooooo annoying. Every guy i ever like, theres something wrong with. Its crazy. Like kev, is a million miles away, but an ace guy. If he lived here, i'd so be after him. I'd piledrivehim until he agreed to go out with me! but the million miles in between kinda stops that. Soooo happy to have him as a mate though. Mark, is only a couple hundred miles away, again, great guy, but met someone else anyway. All my exes have gone wrong too (obviously, or they wouldnt be exes), and there seems to be way too many of them. Then theres 2 guys i kinda like, that are alright, in exeter. Ones engaged, so forget him. One thinks im a bloke with boobs. So obviously thats a non starter either. So starting to think maybe theres something wrong with me. Maybe i only like guys i cant have. Josh is the same, the only girls he ever thinks are hot girls are girls with boyfriends, or girlfriends for that matter. But why would we do that to ourselves? Its a weird one. Anyone got any ideas?
4) snowboarding. Never go more than a few hours without thinking about boarding. Going this evening after we go see these houses to plymouth dry slope with chris n rob n chris's fiancee helen, who i havent met yet. They've all just started learning so hopefully i should be able to impress. :) Either that or i'll look like an idiot since i havent been on my board since february and havent been on dry slope for about a year!

Anyway, gonna go try find something slighty more useful to do.

2005-05-06T06:45:00.000-07:00

Me and Glen at the top of Alpine Meadows

First post (original huh?)

2005-05-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

So.... first post, bit drunk (k, very drunk) so gonna type slow while waiting for kev to get off the phone. He's always on the phone. Awesome mate, always on the phone, never to me! Does live on t'other side of the world tho so i guess its allowed...

Does anyone read these things? I've never had one of these things before, im just a bit (very) drunk n bored n dont wanna go sleepies this drunk or i'll wake up saying i'll never drink again. And tho i blatantly will its never good when u wake up feeling like u dont wanna. Unless its one of those days u wake up knowing the only thing that'll make u feel better is to get to the solid rock cafe n have a few voddys n a cheesburger. Those are great days....

He's off the phone so now i got something better to do than this, yay. Post a comment if u read this, i wonder how many (or few) people do! :)